The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
