Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
