He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
