I am puke
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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