Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
