Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
