I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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