we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
