Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize