How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
