Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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