I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
