Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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