I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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