The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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