I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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