That's intense
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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