Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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