I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
