Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
