Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
