I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
