Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
