I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
