god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
