Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
