Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
