I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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