I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
