Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
