I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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