I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
