you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
