I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
