I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just threw up on my dentist
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
