you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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