i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
