I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
