Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize