I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
