see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
