Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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