Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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