so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
