Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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