I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
