I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
