Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
