A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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