Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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