Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
