then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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