my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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