So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
