it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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