Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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