The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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