Swine flu. Run for my life!
wanna go halves on a baby?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
