I haven't been this sober since birth.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
