I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
