Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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